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allBERNDTup
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Name: casey
Gender: Female
Interests: chasing butterflies, jumping on beds, eating rainbow sprinkles and swimming in fountains
Expertise: making mugs of cereal
Occupation: Other
Message: message me
AIM:  casber0
Member Since:
7/7/2004
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| i guess updates are best when there is a long list of everything that is currently going on thats different from what it used to be. since thats basically everything from when i last decided to post, im going to skip that step and move onto the future.
i want to take classes at the art center probably more than ive wanted to do any other activity in my life. and not because im good at it (because clearly, i'm not), but because i want some hobby that i can call my own and be into for myself. it may be selfish, but its something that needs to happen soon because im forgetting the person that i used to be so confident in. thats something that has definately changed -- and is very unwelcome. sometimes i find myself doing things because they seem right, but when i actually go and do them, they make me feel less of who i am. not to sound emo and sullen, but ive definately lost a lot of confidence in believing i deserve things that are either in my life or are on their way.
and i hate being in classes with near law school students. here's what the conversation is always like:
me: (seeing an LSAT prep book) "oh, i didnt know you are taking the LSAT, how is it going?"
her: "fine."
me: "when are you taking it?"
her: whenever, probably october
me: "well, im going to take mine in june"
her: silence
me: "where do you want to go to school?"
her: columbia, but minnesota is my backup
me: "wow! minnesota would be my dream school! isn't it in the top ten?"
her: "actually, it is only number 19."
i get the feeling that either a) nobody really thinks i can be a lawyer or b) nobody cares if i want to be a lawyer
i swear this doesnt happen with med students. i always here bio or bcmc people cheering eachother on and laughing and being merry and studying together -- comparing notes and tactics.
its an unwelcome feeling, and as the classes get higher up into the 100's, the intensity rises. and its funny that it doesnt really rise academically, its just the people who get more intense and bitchy. and i used to have the whole attitude that i will fuck them over in the end and it wont matter, but now, i just feel really bad about myself.
see? im well on my way to the land of emo.
it wasnt a happy update, but i tried. things aren't that dramatic, nothing is awful, but i would rather really just be with the amish or in the amana colonies on water slides. it really would make things easier.
and on a random note, no class tomorrow, which definately lightens the mood here :)
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| I was about to take a nap today when I realized there is way too much to do.
not homework.
there are people out there without food tonight, just think about it for like 20 seconds. you ate a terrible wrap at spikes and they ate nothing. not meant to make guilt set in, but really, we have so much to do as people living with such great opportunities constantly thrown at us.
the heaviest burdeon is a great opportunity.
so so true. so many people tonight are literally afraid of the person they are falling asleep next to. so many kids are not getting help with their homework and will think they are too stupid to do them. so many kids are dreaming of being able to pick up an instrument and play it, but their parents just don't care or there isnt enough money to pay for it.
too many friends so close that are stressed out. too many family members so close that are scared or worried or doubtful. so many lovers who just arent aware of the intense love that exists for them.
lets get going | | |
| i cant wait for the weekend! i cant wait to play with puppies and see teton and petey and have it be nice weather and hang out with jonathan!
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| it doesnt really matter all that much.
so im going to go take my business law test. and remind myself that consideration and fraud in the inducement are just terms, and i know them.
and i should be fine, right?
i feel like crap, i was up too late and got up too early, and these past few days i have not been getting enough sleep at all, and i just want to feel okay and in control.
here i go again. | | |
| how can you not be in a good mood when you look at this? i cant wait to be there someday, just reading on the beach, and playing in the sand and jumping in the waves, and then watching the sun and doing it all again the next day.
stressful times, these are. (that was very yoda like).
i miss pete, really i do. but next weekend me and anne are making him a birthday dinner and then we are all drinking ourselves silly, because its his 21st birthday, and that's what we do.
so tired all of the time, but this sunset makes me so amazingly happy. JUST LOOK AT IT.
then, theres that song by blind melon. the one where the girl runs around in a bee costume and dances and then finds a bunch of bees that are just like her and they love her and its all okay. things will be like that someday, for those of you who are a tad bit unhappy right now. soon, you too, shall find a bunch of chubby bees to play with.
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
And speak my point of view but itts not sane, its not sane
I just want someone to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made
And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that theres no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
It rips my life away but its a great escape
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